If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
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Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
the Monday after daylight savings
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER