Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
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JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Has science gone too far?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.