The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
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[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Sticker placement is key.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
The first matador
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
#Caturday
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new