[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.