Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
You Might Also Like
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction