I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
this was the best i’ve ever seen
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.