Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
accurate
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?