me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
You Might Also Like
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.