i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.