Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
You Might Also Like
When a shoelace touches your ankle
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds