Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband