Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.