(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
You Might Also Like
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.