drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Cats (2019)
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?