*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.