“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on