When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
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Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
We have a winner.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.