I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
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[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.