Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.