I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.