Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”