When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
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ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Wikigenius
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”