Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
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6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.