I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
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Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????