I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
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Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no