Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
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If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.