Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Yup….perfect score!
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
the #horror is real!
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them