This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
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I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Pandas 🐼🖤
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).