[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.