Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.