It was worth a shot 😂
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You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
decorating my apartment
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?