“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!