I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle