My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
My what?
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
It’s a gift
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic