i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
You Might Also Like
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
How I like cutting carbs
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
#FunnyLife Insects
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
A choir of Spring onions
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
So the ex texted me
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago