i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
You Might Also Like
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.