If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Webb. James Webb.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”