My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree