“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
You Might Also Like
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW