Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.