Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
getting old is fun
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
#Caturday
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.