“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
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Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
what it’s like dating me:
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘