I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
You Might Also Like
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.