Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy