My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Good morning!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I’m too immature for adultery.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?