Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh