Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus