My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no