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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha