I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
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People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”